


Déjà Vu

by dondengaeshi



Series: Captivated [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:48:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dondengaeshi/pseuds/dondengaeshi
Summary: Taeil finally finds someone who can match his palette tone for tone, hue for hue.
Relationships: Moon Taeil/Nakamoto Yuta
Series: Captivated [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672078
Comments: 3
Kudos: 77





	Déjà Vu

For Taeil, the world has always been made of soft pinks and purples; pastel hues painted every surface his gaze rested on, and if something wasn't to his liking, it was easy to pretend that it was. Maybe it's his supposedly soft disposition, but the world has always seemed to part for him, even when he wasn't looking, even when he wasn't asking. Now he was twenty-five and signed to the biggest entertainment company in South Korea, doing one of the few things he's ever actively enjoyed for a living. 

For better or worse, Taeil has always avoided any kind of harshness in life like the plague. It was easier to let life happen to him than to try and force its hand. That's not to say he didn't work when he had to—no, he knows he put just as much blood, sweat, and tears into his career as anyone else had. But at his core he's a gentle person and he wants to remain that way.

Truthfully, Taeil had been worried that the life of an idol would change him—that the colors would become brighter, more saturated than he was used to. But that never happened. The lightsticks of the hundreds of people in the crowd at their concerts blend together into one cool gradient, one that his mind has categorized as "vibrant". It was a nice feeling, that intensity, but it was never one he wanted to get close to. It was a precipice he never wanted to leap from; not because he feared he would fall, but because he feared he would _fly._

To fly, Taeil reasons, is to lose sight of what's dear. 

And so he makes a conscious effort to stay grounded, to make sure his world is colored with precisely the colors he wants, and _only_ the colors he wants. 

Taeil is merciless with unwanted palettes. 

Taeyong is a wonderful balance between mentor and mentee. He's neurotic enough to actively cancel out any feeling of comfort he might try to exude, but serious and clear-headed enough to be able to make executive decisions when they need to be made. He constantly gives the impression that there's a restrained liveliness within him that might break sooner or later, for better or for worse. Bright yellows and pinks color his temperament, and while Taeil can appreciate his subdued vivaciousness, they clash with his own color scheme. There's no room for Lee Taeyong on his canvas. 

He's fond of Taeil regardless, and he can appreciate their affinity with each other to still have a friendly relationship. Sometimes he thinks that Taeyong is trying to find a way into his world, to see the same collection of hues he does, but he's too wrapped up in himself to encourage him. Taeil learns that he's adept at giving people just enough information for them to be satisfied, without ever actually revealing much of himself. 

Haechan comes closest to breaking through his walls—though he doesn't exactly break through them as much as Taeil just happens to find him within his domain at some point. He's bright and energetic, and he has an incredible knack for making people laugh. He thrives off of attention, which Taeil doesn't give easily. At least not sincerely. Whether or not Haechan has acknowledged this, he doesn't know, and he doesn't bother trying to find out.

Taeil isn't really sure why Haechan is attracted him, but he's pleasantly surprised at how gentle he can be with others. Haechan may not understand the colors littering his canvas, but he makes an effort to at least respect them. He doesn't push his buttons or urge him to do things he doesn't want to; he's content to let Taeil _be_ while he simply watches from afar. It's a new feeling, being given unimposing attention, but not one he wants to reject. 

It's cruel, he knows, but he picks apart everyone in his life this way. Colors that aren't complimentary won't be tolerated. It's hardly any time before Taeil finds that most people don't fit his color scheme. 

And he's okay with that.

The comfort of his own quiet world is enough for him. He goes out to group dinners and participates as best he can during their variety shows, laughs at Haechan's jokes and critiques Johnny's form during dance practices, but he's particular about keeping a careful distance from anything not to his tastes, lest unwanted colors seep in. 

Nakamoto Yuta ends up being somewhat of an exception to this rule. Taeil had no particular interest in him in the beginning, back when they were trainees. If anything he seemed like a bit of a prude—he didn't do anything except exactly what was needed or expected of him. He hadn't spoken Korean very well back then, but he still exuded confidence, which Taeil quietly appreciated. Confidence meant boats weren't rocked, the water remained still. Yuta had seemed robotic all those years ago, but looking back on it, it's clear that Yuta was just plain _uncomfortable._ Compared to his temperament now—jovial if not eccentric—he might as well be a completely different person. 

Unexpectedly, Yuta ends up blending in quite nicely with the tender ripples of his world. He did back then, and he still does now, even after he's come out of his shell and made a name for himself. 

Yuta was fine where he was.

It's a very long time until his natural subtleties begin to make themselves known to Taeil.

He learns that Yuta is energetic enough to match up with Johnny and Haechan when they get going, yet serene and mature when the situation calls for it. Taeil is almost tempted to call him _wise,_ but he can't quite pinpoint what quality makes him feel that way. It makes him a tiny bit curious, which is more than he can say for most of the people he works with. The curiosity is mutual, Taeil decides some time later.

Yuta makes himself known slowly, gently, with a gradient shallow enough for him to go under Taeil's radar until his saturation was too much to ignore. He sidles up close to him any chance he gets—in the van to concert venues, during breakfast, while they're on break eating lunch on the floor of the dance studio. It's not as if Yuta isn't touchy with most people, but Taeil has never been _most people._ At least not with Yuta. Where Yuta once made small ripples in his life, now there are noticeable waves, though they haven't crashed onto the shoreline just yet. Taeil decides to wait and see if he wants to prevent that from happening.

He gets used to Yuta's company. 

He somehow manages to be simultaneously intrusive and not. He steps carefully but purposefully around Taeil's world, not disrupting the peace, but not bothering to hide his presence, either. It's in comparison to Yuta that he realizes why he's unable to properly reciprocate Haechan's affection—he's too nervous he'll break something, that he'll accidentally shift something out of place and won't know how to put it back. He lacks confidence, and there's a fundamental power imbalance that that Taeil doesn't know how to bridge. 

Yuta, though, is certain. He converses with him as if he knows Taeil will agree with everything he says, and he's surprised to find that he enjoys when they _don't._ There's a casual air about him that suggests they've known each other since childhood, but Taeil can tell it's just an overcoat, an added layer to revise a part of himself he feels the need to hide. He's content to let it be.

He also finds he enjoys how constant he is. It seems like Yuta is on the lookout for him from the moment he gets up in the morning, but somehow it's not bothersome at all. He's managed to infiltrate Taeil's bubble without so much as a tremor in the air, like it's only natural they come together. 

Like an eclipse, Yuta starts to block out much of the outside light. 

He still performs and sings and acts like a good hyung to the other members, but now he does so with Yuta's familiar chroma at his side, adding sweet, dark blues and purples to his own gentler tones. It becomes second nature to reach for his shoulder, his arm, his hands when he's nearby, pulling him so he's as close as Taeil wants him to be. Yuta is always happy to comply. 

There's something in his overt, informal affection that suggests feelings that run so, so much deeper than he's willing to admit. It's too practiced for this to not be the case. It's in this that Taeil begins to wonder if they're kindred spirits in some ways. More than once has he caught one of Yuta's idiosyncrasies and felt that he was looking at himself from a different lense. The curiosity is almost unbearable, but he has will enough to restrain himself.

If only just barely.

Luckily, he isn't the one who has to take the plunge.

It's rare to find complete solitude being part of NCT, but occasionally the stars do align for such a grand moment to surface. This is one such night—except it's not true solitude, because Yuta is here with him, his presence quiet but profound, like it's demanding Taeil's acknowledgement, his attention, his _everything_ without a single word.

He must be getting what he wants, Taeil thinks, while he pretends not to see Yuta staring at him from the corner of his eye. Taeil highly values his alone time, and he made that clear to the other members from the get-go. For Yuta to be here with him sharing the silence is a breach in his own emotional conduct, but Yuta's dug in empathetic claws deep enough for Taeil to disregard it, if just this one time.

It feels as natural as breathing to slowly bridge the distance on the bed between them until their legs are touching. Yuta turns his head to look at him, smiling at the contact. One of the things about Yuta that's always captured his attention is the way his gaze can so quickly shift from light-hearted to sickeningly intense. It doesn't scare him in the way he always thought it should. Taeil holds eye contact, unflinching even as Yuta's hand rises to cradle his cheek, pulling him in.

As soon as their lips meet he imagines a cacophony of angels singing a deathly chorale that mute all of his senses except for the ones that Yuta is occupying. A heavy feeling rises within his chest, an overwhelming impression of intimacy setting his skin on fire. It runs so deep Taeil can't tell if he's suspended over the deepest pit of hell or the golden gates of heaven. It feels normal to wrap his arms around Yuta's neck and tilt his head, pressing himself close to Yuta's body like he belongs there. It's easy to convince himself that he does.

"You understand," Yuta whispers into the corner of his mouth, a masked impatience dancing on the edge of his voice. His other hand has moved lower now, cradling the side of his waist, fingers catching the skin beneath his shirt. "You understand the meaning of _feeling._ You're beautiful, Taeil." 

He isn't sure what to respond to that, but he doesn't think he's supposed to because Yuta mouths his way down to his chin, traverses his throat and lands on the juncture of his collarbone. He alternates between soft kisses and lovebites, like he can't decide whether he wants Taeil to be worshipped lovingly or obsessively. It's probably both. 

He lets a low keen pull its way from his throat when Yuta licks a long stripe back up his neck, and he's choking on a feeling he can't place. Yuta raises his head to look at him, blonde hair disheveled from how roughly Taeil's been gripping it. In the corner of his vision he sees a dark ocean begin to rise, deathly cobalt with white accents that glint in the light the same way Yuta's earrings do when they're at the perfect angle. He elects to ignore it in favor of sitting up so that he can peel Taeil's shirt off. He can't repress a shiver at feeling so exposed. Yuta must have interpreted it as him being cold, because suddenly he's covering Taeil's entire body with his own, diving into a kiss so deep that the rest of the world comes apart by the seams around him and all he can see, breathe, _feel_ is Yuta. 

Taeil lets himself be eaten alive. Yuta rips apart the foundation of his canvas layer by layer, bite marks littering the inside of his thighs, his chest, his neck, soothing each bruise with his tongue immediately after their birth upon his body. A part of him hidden by deep waters feels competitive, returning the favor with lines of small crescents blooming angry red on Yuta's arms where he digs his fingers in. Using Yuta as a grip to keep his head above water is fruitless, he realizes quickly, because each of his grunts push him deeper and deeper beneath the current. 

If Taeil thought that there was a depth within himself that was worth hiding from others, Yuta amplified its presence tenfold. It's dizzying and addictive. The colors behind his eyes are simultaneously too bright and too dark, shifting too quickly between either for him to pinpoint any kind of rhyme or reason to their composition. 

Yuta discards his own shirt at some point, and Taeil is enamored with the smooth expanse of skin of his chest now available to him. He splays a hand flat across his chest, running it slowly from his collarbone to just below his sternum. Yuta laughs, tickled, and Taeil can feel it in his palm. There's a gentle flush blooming across his chest, and it has a calming effect on him, like it's a reminder of his own humanity. Yuta wants to take care of him, to make him feel good. It's grounding. 

Yuta takes his time peeling off the rest of Taeil's and his own clothes, admiring every new inch of Taeil's skin that he meets. It's difficult to not feel vulnerable naked beneath him even though Yuta's been so patient, and he uses what mental faculty he has left trying to compose himself accordingly. It must be more obvious than he thinks, because Yuta comments on it.

"Still with me?" he asks, something tender coming over his eyes. He brings up a hand to cover Taeil's where it's still planted on his chest. He nods, managing a weak but genuine smile. It must be obvious how dazed he still feels. It's not helped when Yuta's head dips under again, this time landing right beside the head of his cock where it's pressed to his stomach. He kisses it, looking up at Taeil from under his eyelashes, and Taeil shivers. 

His lips take in his head, tongue lapping up precum that's already leaked out. His hips buck on their own accord and Yuta laughs, the vibration running through his cock and causing him to moan. He brings up a hand to hold Taeil's hips down and he takes in all of him at once. 

His tongue is flat against his shaft, hot and heavy, Yuta dragging it so torturously slow that Taeil thinks he might start crying. He can't help the whines that escape with each exhale of breath, and Yuta is too far down for him to grip, which pisses him off, so he settles for clawing at the bedsheets with pleasure. The way he sucks him off isn't expert by any means, but the edges are just rough enough for Taeil to think it's _cute._ In between bobs of his head he watches Yuta's expression change, like he has to keep reminding himself that this is for Taeil's pleasure as much as it is his own. He wants to make him feel good, but he also wants to lose himself to the feeling. 

Taeil understands. He can't help but understand. It's why he digs his moats so deep, why he's so averse to the idea of letting others _see_ him. He needs these boundaries or else he's going to lose himself in other people's heartache.

His heart aches at the thought that Yuta might also understand this about him. He's surprised at how much he wants him to.

Yuta's tongue brushes his slit when he pulls up with a _pop,_ and Taeil gasps. Yuta sits up resting on his knees and admires his work.

Taeil can only imagine what he looks like right now, dotted with bite marks, chest heaving with every breath, leg spread and cock hard and slick with saliva. Yuta runs his hands along the inside of his thighs, massaging the muscle there. He looks Taeil in the eye, eyebrows raised in a question. Taeil raises himself up onto his elbows and reaches forward to take one of Yuta's hands in his own. Yuta's fingers are just slightly bigger than his own when he matches up their palms together. Taeil looks up at him, and he isn't sure how to convey the leap of faith he's willing to take with Yuta and Yuta alone in mere words, so he positions himself onto his knees and captures his lips in the deepest, most honest kiss he can muster.

Yuta's arms wrap around him, pulling him impossibly close so that Taeil can feel his heart beating against his own chest. He tilts his head and deepens the kiss, and Taeil sighs through his nose at how right this feels; like their composition is perfect, tones and forms flawless, a work of art deserving of a spot in a museum. 

"You weren't made for this world," Yuta says when they part. He leans forward slowly taking Taeil with him so that he's lying on his back again. He reaches behind him, hand fumbling in the space between the headrest and the mattress, unearthing a small nondescript bottle. "You're perfectly imperfect. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to see you." 

There's a reverence in his eyes that Taeil finds far more attractive than he's ever going to admit. "You see me now. That's all that matters."

Yuta says something under his breath that sounds a lot like _You're all that matters,_ and he kisses him again and again and again. 

It's euphoric when Yuta eases himself inside him, a weird kind of high emerging from the combination of senseless fear and desire. His forearms cradle either side of Taeil's head as he leans down to kiss him; it's gentle, hesitant, and Taeil understands that he's asking for permission. He bucks his hips, a silent _I want this,_ and Yuta gets the message. His hips start rolling in smooth waves; painstakingly slow at first before he picks up the pace. He groans harshly in the pleasure of Taeil's warmth, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him closer to his own hips. 

His pace is steady, none of his thrusts faster or slower than the previous, even when he shifts his angle and hits Taeil's prostate dead on with each roll of his hips. Taeil whines at how good he feels inside of him, unable to stop his cries from leaving his mouth. He knows it's grandiloquent, but Yuta seems to fit inside him so perfectly, so effortlessly that he wonders if they truly are each other's muse. His body is warm and comfortable where they're touching, and beautiful in all the places they're not. He feels a twinge of pride when he thinks about how nobody else is going to be able to touch his beautifully tanned skin, or mark it as Taeil has been doing.

Yuta tries to withhold his own moans in the beginning, but they start to slip out as his pace steadies, right where his face is pressed into the crook of Taeil's neck. Taeil wraps his legs around his waist as encouragement, satisfied with how Yuta tries to pull him closer still afterwards. Hot breaths are coming out quickly onto Taeil's throat and he nudges him with his head, lips grazing his cheek asking for a kiss. Yuta complies. It's sloppier than their previous ones, but Taeil doesn't care, he just wants to feel as much of Yuta as he possibly can. 

His thrusts begin to slow down, and Taeil thinks it's because he's close, but Yuta continues on with achingly slow circles of his hips that threaten to drive Taeil mad. Each careful drag of Yuta's cock over his prostate draw out high-pitched moans from his lips and he can tell Yuta is absolutely basking in them. 

Had it been anyone else, he would've felt annoyed at being toyed with, but that reverent, nigh-enthralled look on Yuta's face tells him that that's not what this is. He wants to drag this out for as long as possible, to keep Taeil's high from ending so soon. 

"So good," he keens. "Keep going like that—feels so good." Yuta lets out something between a loud moan and growl in response, and Taeil can tell he's struggling to keep the cadence of his hips to Taeil's liking. He giggles at how much Yuta is catering to him. It's cute and it's addictive. 

It's not long before Yuta gives up though, finally deciding to just take what he wants. He suddenly begins thrusting into him with hard, erratic jerks of his hips. The slap of their bodies together is loud and obscene, but both of them are beyond the point of caring if anyone else hears them. Taeil's body is burning up in white-hot pleasure, clawing at the back of Yuta's neck frantically while he fucks into him without restraint. Yuta's moans grow heavier and heavier until finally, _finally,_ his hips stutter to a stop, cock buried as deep inside Taeil as it can go. He can feel the hot spurts of come inside him along with each steady pulse of Yuta's cock tight against his walls. The sensation is enough to make Taeil come himself, hardly enough space between their bodies for his seed to go flying anywhere. 

Yuta lays there on top of him for some moments waiting until he's completely emptied himself inside Taeil before pulling out with a lewd squelch. He hardly pays any mind to the come on his stomach from Taeil's release, instead diving back in to kiss him without preamble. 

Taeil's body is still coming down from his high, but it's an expedited process as he melts right back into Yuta, content to just be held by him while his tongue traces a path behind his teeth. It's nowhere near chaste, but it's definitely beyond something that's purely desire. It feels like _absolution._ One of Yuta's hands is planted directly on top of Taeil's, holding it to the bed for purchase, and the other is softly caressing the skin just above his waist. Taeil lets him massage his lips, and there's a definitiveness in the way Yuta kisses him now that hints at a promise of otherworldly revelation and apocalypse. 

Taeil lets him take the lead.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by glass animals' song déjà vu :^)
> 
> actually, i've always admired the color scheme glass animals used for their album ZABA and the album's music videos, and this latest single reminded me of that. havent been feeling up to painting lately, so i wrote about colors instead.
> 
> thanks 4 reading! comments are appreciated!!!


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